Do your discussions end in shouting matches?
All couples disagree at times. Usually, one backs down and follows the other’s plan, or they discuss the issue and agree on a solution.
But some couples regularly engage in angry shouting matches. Each feels the other does not listen and refuses to compromise. As a psychologist, I watched them in action.
Do these couples remind you of your struggles with your partner?
Here are some underlying problems that cause such interactions. Each has it's own recommendations.
Thought processing speed differences can start such conflicts.
People process thoughts and incoming information at different speeds. If one of you has a fast processing speed and the other is in slow mode, you may have communication problems. Slow speed does not mean less intelligent. Simply, the information intake and delivery processes are slower.
If you are a fast processor, you talk too fast and too long for the slow partner to absorb anything past the first sentence. You get impatient as your slow-mode partner tries to express a thought.
If you are a slow processor, you feel overwhelmed by all the information coming in like a 10-foot wave. It takes you a while to formulate what you want to convey. If your partner does not have the patience to wait, he interrupts using old arguments.
Recommendation:
To fix the thought processing speed problem in your relationship, simply slow down. Say one sentence at a time. Give the other person a chance to respond. Practice patience.
The arguments have become a conversation habit. Do you have the same conversations with the same outcomes?
Many of our daily conversations are the same. In the morning, we say the same things to our partners, kids, and pets. When we return home, we have the same conversations.
Could those angry shouting matches have become conversation habits? Do you know what the other person will say next and what you will say next? Do you feel like you’re stuck in a weird play, just saying your lines?
Recommendation:
You can stop the conversation patterns. You don’t have to participate. Just stop talking and listen. Observe as your conversation partner tries to get you to say your lines properly. But you don’t have to participate.
As you change your expected behavior, your partner will have to respond differently. You cannot control their response, but the pattern will be broken.
Another method to break the pattern is to change the subject. The subject needs to be something your partner loves to talk about. Your comment does not have to follow the conversation logically. You can change the subject by saying, “That reminds me….” The comment can be completely off-topic; your partner won’t notice.
You are angry about something else and let your anger out during the ‘conversation.’
Try to catch yourself, stop talking, and try to remember how the conversation started. What were you talking about at the beginning?
The two of you are in a perpetual power struggle.
To stop the arguments, you may have to decide to concede 50% of the time automatically. You can do so by type of decision. For example, Mom decides about matters pertaining to kids, and Dad decides about big expenditures and vacations.
There is no right or wrong way; only what you decide as a couple. A third party should not decide for you.
What if the problem persists despite sharing and studying these tips? You still feel like your partner is not listening to you or letting you talk. Try the following:
Write e-mails to each other to have a discussion.
The benefits of an e-mail are:
Use a tool or gadget to signal who has the floor to speak.
Whenever you have in-person conversations, make sure you have something to hold in your hand, like a TV remote or a fork, to signify you are speaking. If the other person wants to speak, they can hold out their hand. They are to be silent until you finish talking.
You can stop the screaming matches
Study the recommendations. Put them into practice. Break out of the old habits. Regain the respect and love you had for each other.