How to Prevent and Stop Your Child’s Tantrums and Meltdowns Easy Tips to Restore Your Peace
Your child gets loud, screams, cries, lays on the floor flailing, hits, throws objects, or bangs their head. This is all to communicate their displeasure.
Tantrums are a means of communication for your toddler or preschooler who lacks the language to persuade you to change your mind.
During the tantrum, your child will look at you periodically to see if you’re reacting. If you give your child what they want or tell them they don’t have to do what you want, they stop the behavior.
Tantrums are tied to immediate situations. Conversely, meltdowns can build over time and could be a reaction to something that happened before you picked them up from the babysitter or school.
Meltdowns
A meltdown looks like a tantrum, but it’s not under your child’s control. It is not a communication method nor a response to being told no. The trigger for a meltdown is usually a sensory issue.
If your child hears everything at high volume, is sensitive to scratchy clothing, can’t stand certain smells, is in a loud area with multiple smells, and cannot block them out, their brain may become overwhelmed, resulting in a meltdown.
Meltdowns are not under your child’s control. Sometimes, your child will apologize to you and the objects they broke. Meltdowns can occur at any age. They require a long period of rest or a nap after they subside.
Your best weapon is prevention, whether you are dealing with tantrums or meltdowns. Understanding what triggers your child is essential to heading off an outburst.
Prevention
Here are some common triggers and tips for preventing tantrums and meltdowns.
Power Struggles
Some kids who love power struggles are triggered by the word “no.” Make a list of all the things you say that trigger your child. Try to rephrase a denial by removing the word “no” and offering an alternative, delay, or distraction.
Instead of “No ice cream,” say, “Ice cream is yummy. We can have some at home after lunch.” “The ice cream looks yummy; we can come back on Saturday and get some.” “You’re allergic to ice cream. We’ll find something yummy at home for you to eat.”
Hunger and Fatigue
Hunger and sleepiness make your little one less able to handle frustration. For best results, set a predictable schedule for feeding and rest that is appropriate for your child’s needs.
If tantrums happen more often at the store, make sure your child is fed and well-rested before you attempt a shopping trip.
Attention
Lack of attention can set your child off. Perhaps you’ve noticed that your child tantrums most when you have the least time. No one likes to be ignored.
Pay attention to your little one to prevent this trigger, even if they are playing quietly. Smile at them as you say, “That’s a big load in your truck.” “Are you building a tall tower?” “This is a wonderful picture; we’ll have to show it to grandma.” Take videos of their creations to share with relatives.
At the store, involve them in shopping. “We are looking for beans. Here are some beans! Can you put them in the cart for me?”
Your child may have a problem with restaurants with long wait times. They’re expected to sit and wait while the adults try to have a conversation.
To prevent inappropriate behaviors or tantrums, bring some small toys for them to play with. Bring them into the conversation by talking to them or about them and their accomplishments.
Overstimulation
Overstimulation and inability to calm down can lead to a tantrum or a meltdown.
It can happen when your child is playing hard at the playground and having a good time. To avoid a sudden stop, give a five-minute warning: “We have five more minutes, then we have to go home.”
When it’s time to leave, and your child starts to wind up, ask, “What will you play when we get home?” This distraction technique will help them forget about having to leave and think of a fun future activity.
Sensory Input
If your child is easily overwhelmed by sensory input, such as loud places, strong smells, bright flashing lights, or being too hot they may have a meltdown.
Watch them for signs that whatever environment you’re in is too much for them. They may avoid contact with anyone, fidget, pace, vocalize distress, leave the room, have a flushed face, and cover their ears or eyes. Take them home or to a quiet place to prevent a meltdown.
Does your child have a calm space to retreat to at home? If not, you can create a “tent” by throwing a sheet over the backs of two chairs.
Transitions
Your child may hate transitions. Moving from one activity to the next can be torture for them. In such cases, practice transitions at home. As each day is divided into different activities, there are many opportunities to practice.
Warn your child of impending change by keeping a timer and telling them, “In ten minutes, it’s time to get dressed.” “In five minutes, it’s time to get dressed.” “It’s time to get dressed.”
Use a similar sequence for putting toys away. If they rebel, use distraction. “What comes after putting toys away?” If that activity is watching a cartoon, you’ll have a better transition than if it’s followed by brushing teeth.
Schedule Changes
Schedule changes or a lack of a schedule can make your child unsettled. Your toddler is a little person. They like to know what is going to happen.
Once you know your schedule for the day, tell your child, “Today, we will go to the store, come back, put away the groceries, and then go to the park. You can play now. I will tell you when it’s time to go to the store.”
Your child will remember the sequence, so if you don’t follow what you told them, you may trigger a temper tantrum or a meltdown. If you tell your child you’re going to the park but take a detour to the cleaners, they will react when they see you driving elsewhere.
Make sure to let your child know what the new sequence is.
Whenever possible, structure your daily activities with your child. Young children thrive on predictable schedules, which help them anticipate events and feel in control.
Lack of Control
Lack of control is part of your toddler’s life. Use these examples to help them feel empowered and find ways to help them feel like they’re in control: “Would you like to wear the blue or green shorts?” “Would you like eggs or cereal for breakfast?” “Would you like to take your truck or your ball to the park?”
Limit Setting
Be consistent in limit setting. If you make rules of not buying toys or candy at the store, avoid making exceptions. If you buy candy one day and not the next, your child will find a way to get you to change your mind.
Avoid bribing your child. “If you’re good while I’m shopping, I’ll get you a toy.” It sets up the impression in your child’s mind that it’s a rule for each shopping trip. A tantrum may follow if they misbehave and don’t get their toy.
Your child likes predictability. Consistency can prevent stressful episodes.
Problem-Solving
If your child has good language skills, you can start teaching problem-solving.
At home, away from the situation that triggers your child, you can say, “I know you hate leaving the playground when you are having so much fun. Let’s think about what would make leaving the playground easier. Let’s make a list. I will write it down. I’ll make the first suggestion. You can run around the playground three times after I say we have five more minutes.”
Write it down.
Your child may say, “No! Go on the slide three times before we go.” You say, “Perfect. Let me write it down. What else? Your child may say, “Stay at the park.” You say, “Let me write this down.”
Keep making the list until both of you run out of ideas. Then, pick a solution that both of you like and use it for each park visit.
This method helps your child feel more in control, teaches them to solve problems, and provides a concrete activity to end the time at the park.
How to Stop a Tantrum
Sometimes, you don’t notice the buildup to a tantrum, or the above preparations fail. Perhaps you had been inconsistent in the past, so the tantrums at the store resulted in buying the candy or toy, or your child got more time at the playground when they pitched a fit.
Tantrums keep happening if they “work” to get your child what they want. If that is your case, it will take longer to eradicate them, but if you’re willing to switch to consistently enforcing your rules, you can eliminate tantrums.
Before the tantrums stop, you will notice a spike in their frequency because your child does not want to give up a method that worked so well in the past.
These are some of the things you can do to shorten the tantrum:
- Remember that much of the noise is to gain your attention. At home, you can leave the room and close the door. This way, the child will know that the method won’t work.
- Alternatively, you can say, “I see you’re upset. Do you need to take a break in your quiet place?” The quiet place can be a time-out spot. It should be somewhere they can see you, such as the couch, a staircase, or a little rug where you usually put them on a time-out.
- Some parents don’t like the idea of time-outs, but your child needs a spot to self-soothe and self-regulate.
- Avoid trying to outshout your child. This escalates the noise level.
- Acknowledge your child’s emotions and wishes. “I see you want to stay at the park longer! But we have to go home to eat lunch.” “I know you want that candy! But the rule is no candy when shopping. We have candy at home.”
- When making such statements, match the intensity of your voice to the intensity of their request, and lower your voice when you repeat the rule or offer an explanation. Your child will feel heard.
- Teach your child to self-soothe at home. Demonstrate slow breathing to the count of five. Show them how to clasp their hands together and hold them tight. This helps them center.
- Clasping the hands tight dissipates excess energy and helps to ground the child.
- Practice these techniques at home so when you go to the store, you can say, “Put your hands together. Don’t let them fly away from each other.” Then, say, “Let’s do slow breathing.”
- Follow this with slow breathing.
- Once your child is calmer, redirect their focus to something else. “Please help me put the groceries on here.” Hand your child an item to put on the conveyor belt. Keep handing them items.
- Say, “You are such a good helper. Now, put the bread there so the cashier can scan it. With your help, we can get home faster to have lunch. Would you like a hot dog or a sandwich?
- If your child is not responding to the above interventions they may be in a meltdown. In that case, provide a calm place to decompress and nap when the storm inside them subsides.
- If they throw things, try to furnish plastic bowls and cups so they’ll make noise when dropped but won’t break. Unless they’re self-harming, leave the area so they can self-regulate and calm down.
You can do it!
Tantrums are frustrating and annoying, and your child may be determined to keep them going. Meltdowns are scary because of their intensity and your inability to reach your child when they are in this state. Differentiating between them helps you decide how to deal with the behavior.
Triggers are central to tantrums and meltdowns. Your success will depend on your ability to identify the triggers. At times, the whole family has to participate in guessing. However, with persistent use of the tips on preventing tantrums and meltdowns, you can achieve peace for yourself and your child.